Alright, this is one of those situations where I can't decide whether or not I like the poem and just need some edits or whether a massive rewrite is in order. It's a pretty early draft, but I was a little torn over it and impatient to get some feedback.
I really hate the form right now. I always do.
Taj Mahal
They say the creator of the Taj Mahal
Was found in his solitary prison cell dead
With his eyes still open, a mirror tilted so he could see
The reflection of his wife’s tomb on the water.
I find myself thinking of him as you
Pull me up by the wrists like a child, piece me
Together again like ancient shards
Of red clay pottery tugged from the desert sand.
When I move, the edges grind against each other
To remind me of the place I came from.
I think of his dear Mumtaz, who died
While giving birth to her fourteenth child, and how
My body was knit together by man and woman,
And like every creation of man it will crumble,
As the tomb they come to lay me in too will crumble,
Even if you say it is as beautiful as I am beautiful,
Even as its ivory minarets unravel toward heaven
And change color as we circle the sun.
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6 comments:
Anna, you overwhelm me with your awesome. (ha- just watched 10 Things I Hate About You last night, so the word 'overwhelm' is very funny to me at the moment).
What this reminds me of (besides your other gorgeous poetry, obviously) is the Levis poem that we read for Mamie about Garcia Lorca. Something about the way you tie the Taj Mahal story in with the story of the narrarator of the poem - I love that. It's a great way to get the images and ideas of the poem across.
Your word choice, also, I love. The way you use words like 'minarets' and make them sound natural is great. Your voice is so sophisticated. Um. Anyway. The only things that I would suggest changing are... eh... wow, I like this too much. I think you could change the line break-up in the second stanza so that it doesn't begin with 'the', but other than that, there's nothing that I would actually change.
The two ending lines are my favorite, but I also love
" I find myself thinking of him as you
Pull me up by the wrists like a child, piece me
Together again like ancient shards"
I really like something about the stanza break there. I don't know. It's all great. I'm sorry that this workshop is so nonconstructive, but I seriously have nothing bad to say about this.
Anna, you have an amazing way with words. You can take beautiful and unique words and make them flow seamlessly together in such a radiant poem. This one and your workshop poem are both astounding in their brilliance.
I love the way you work in an interesting historical fact to start the poem out and capture the reader's attention. It works very well, because you carry it throughout the poem without overly applying the concept.
I love the repetition of the word crumble in the 7th and 8th stanzas and then Even in the 8th and 9th stanzas. It's a melodic sort of repetition.
The idea of couplets works well with this poem, too, so great job on that, and the line breaks and such.
The only thing that I might change is claryfying a bit of the history. Not really changing the way you say it, but adding in a couplet or so. Explain the story a little bit more. Or, as an alternative, you could explain the narrator's story more, with the history of the Taj Mahal as more of a background. Right now I just feel they share the spotlight too evenly.
But really, it's fine as it is. Astoundingly so, actually. You don't have to change a thing if you don't want to.
DFTBA,
Heather
YES! i get to have an original thought! i'm so glad and...surprised that no one brought this up. caroline was almost there, but i get to say it! excited:
remember what mammie said, how if you want to hit the bullseye you need to aim to the left? ta-da! and by the way, i decided to throw out the positive first, negative last. i like to leave people with a happy feelings. so, with that said:
there are little words that could be edited. take the first stanza, for instance. you don't need cell. it would be a lot more efficient if you just said "solitary prison, dead," or "of red clay tugged" where you take out pottery. and out of curiousity, was he sitting? lying down? slumping? that might help with that image.
there's something about the third stanza that...i don't know. if you mean "piece me together again..." then, i would want you to use a period and let the piece me sentence to stand on it's own. but if it's a typo and you meant pieceing (sp?) then that's fine.
and in general: maybe more periods, polease? i have to read the poem twice, which is always a good thing. but i have to read it three or four tiems to try and get it, something that could be fixed by making completing your thoughts with periods instead of commas. you can use stanza breaks to link things together if that is your goal. it's up to you, though.
i adore, i mean...adore the last five stanzas. and there are certain phrasings through out the poem that are simply gorgeous. caroline mentioned "piece me together again like ancient shards" and it's the again that makes me love that sentence. as if the person has already had to put that person together, of that the speaker was once whole and experience or life has broken them.
and the last two stanzas especially are amazing. what a way to leave us off. overall, brilliance. brilliance that has a little dust on it that i'm begging you to swipe away. because it is brilliant. imagery, wording, crafting, it's all just good.
simply lovely,
<3 emilea
p.s. and yes i would be interested in hiking with you!!!!
oh, and everyone:
i finally commented on my post. i kind of forgot about me talking after the critique. *ah* and i share a little bit of stuff that i feel the need to perhaps post, but i really just want you guys to see it. so check it out: just scroll. : - )
love you,
emilea
Thanks everybody. Yeah, definitely looked at it and realized that taking the word cell out is a good idea that I wouldn't have thought of for a long time. Thanks, Emilea. Also, you are right on about the whole period thing. I felt like it didn't stop enough, but I wanted to go ahead and post it to see what you guys thought. Thanks for reaffirming that thought.
And to Heather, I actually was going to research a little more to see if I could dig up anything else on these people. The problem is figuring out what is just completely unnecessary information and what might actually help the story along.
Thanks, you guys!! This is like the thrill of posting on fictionpress, only tripled because you're guaranteed some reviews and the people reviewing actually have an idea of what they're talking about when they make suggestions.
I love you. ^_^
-Anna
yeah, fictionpress people often just say that they like it and that's it. Or don't like it, depending.
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