so... first poetry that I've written since Governor's School.
Don't expect much. It's bad. I am way out of practice, and the words are all jumbled and screwy, and... it kind of sucks. But you are to workshop it nonetheless.
inspiration: max (clearly)/his brother's speech at the funeral/observations of the general reactions of people at school.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
but the brightest flames burn out so fast
ashes stain our fingertips, blunt reminders
frantic final attempts to grasp a piece of
you, or the concept, just as both
flickered out of reach.
Your name surrounds us:
encircling thin wrists in thick
black bands, and fingers trace
three letters, over and over;
lingering in the space between lips
kindly unspoken. You thread through our minds
rivers and highways on a city roadmap.
When unavoidable, it is muted,
muttered; a statement in whispers
for one quick syllable, it carries too much
reverance, heavy, grown out of itself.
Your name is the survivor's guilt behind half-smiles
wooden paintbrushes in a flower arrangement
photographs of a yellow bass guitar.
It's a quick elbow in the ribs-look up
to see how sunlight splits open cerulean sky
and the clouds are like a halo
existing only to sheild the brightest flames.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
suck suck suck suck
tell me just how much.
5 comments:
no. nononononono. no suck.
-i like the things in italics...but why are they italicized?
- i hope you meant "blunt reminders of..."
-and i hope you put the of in front of the "you" in the first stanza a as well.
-lingerings in the space between lips? are you serious? brilliance! oh my gosh.
-stanza four need a little clarification. just a little maybe deleting a word or two. but nothing else
-i didn't like the end at first. it's growing on me. it ties back into the whole thing.
-the second to last stanza...i love the opening line, and eventhe photographs of a yellow bass guitar, but i just want to know how they relate. are they his? if so just put "your" in front of "wooden" it make it a lot more meaningful, i think.
definantely want to see the next draft on here! muchmuchmuchmuchmuch love to you. : - )
emilea
p.s. you never suck. and this is truly truly lovely and gorgeous. and beautifully broken. it's honest. and i love it
thank you emilea
i love you i love you i looovee you.
The lines are in italics because they're a quote- one of the many things the brother said in his (incredibly gorgeous) memorial speech that really stuck with me.
thank you for brilliant suggestions/comments/etc.
<3 you
Caroline
See, the reason I didn't comment earlier is because I had to read it about a million times to find anything to workshop about it, besides saying that it is sheer brilliance and totally amazingly perfect for the situation and everything.
*Is his brother a writer? (just thought I'd throw that in there because that quote is amazing)
*either put a comma after reminders or put of, like emilea said. It just doesn't work right because I'm not sure whether to pause or if you just left out something
*I love the line "flickered out of reach" it's amazing and totally carries the concept of flames farther in the perfect way.
*I had to read it a few times to understand that his name was lingering (maybe I'm just really slow) so a little clarification would help out. It's a beautiful line, though. honestly.
*Lovelovelove the "grown out of itself" part. <3
*I disagree with emilea that you should put your before wooden. It sounds good the way it is and I tried reading it with your and it was a bit off. And it's not necessary to know they're his things, pieces of him. I may be biased, though, since I knew at least those things about him.
*Love the break after look up. It's just the right place to seperate the thought.
*take out "like" before halo. I like it just "the clouds are a halo"
I have to eat, so that's all for now,
Heather
Taylor IS a writer- um, kind of. He went to Governor's School for Drama, but when I went for my Discovery interview, I'd written his name under "how did you hear about Governor's School" and Scott (or maybe George) said that he'd written some screenplay and asked to have it looked it.
Incidentally, the speech in general was the most amazingly written one I've ever heard.
I like the way you used parts of his speech in your poem. It sets the mood for the whole poem and connects all the way to the end.
"Frantic final attempts to grasp a piece of you"...that is great.
I love the three stanzas about his name. It really resonates on how difficult the memory of him is, how unsure people are as to how to handle it. "Grown out of itself" is an amazing way to describe something that is obviously worlds away from what it used to be. You make it very clear that his name is not just a "hey, you" anymore, but rather something much more important, and they don't want to throw it around.
And then, in stanza five, his name turns into something else entirely for me. By the end of the stanza it has turned into an action instead of an uncomfortable word. I love that, Caroline.
A few other things:
"rivers and highways on a city roadmap" is a great image, but I'm not really sure if it's giving me what I need as the reader. I really love it, but it sort of makes my attention shift from the rest of the poem, which is really cohesive.
The break after "look up" is great.
I definitely agree with Heather that you should remove "like" from "clouds are like a halo."
And shield is spelled wrong. Heh.
I think "heavy" is a good word to use to describe his name, but I don't like its placement, or punctation, or both. Right now it's just sitting there between two phrases. I have no idea what to suggest (Bad Anna!)...just that it feels a little off to me and a tiny adjustment could make it better. (That one is off the record. It's just one of those ehhh things that does not merit any real thought on your part because it's just a weird feeling on my part).
Lastly, this poem is beautiful, Caroline. My mom's best friend's son killed himself a few years ago and I can tell you that while our experiences were probably pretty different, your poem made me realize they're also much the same. And that's the point of writing, right? To make people remember they're not alone.
-Anna Banana
Post a Comment