At nine-thirty pm on a Friday, I close my eyes and mourn
the loss of losing sleep- the memory of a July
spent staying up to smile at the mirror, just
practicing; lucid dreams of might-have-beens;
staring down the clock at 11:10. I weep
in rememberance of distraction
I try a million ways to trick myself back into it: listen
to the same sweet song, track four on repeat;
never return Blockbuster's Pride and Predjudice.
I steal, beg and borrow glaces at the boy-next-
desk until his movements are committed to memory
timed beating of fingertips and slide of his feet.
Soon, I know him too well.
Drifting to sleep at nine-thirty-eight, I forget
my usual worries for fear of an existence spent
on half-hearted math class lust
distracted only by Mr. Darcy.
---------------------
really not sure about this.
assure me?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
i like the style of it. the narrative, this-is-kind-of-my-life thing. i think it's the long-winded sentences that throw this off. and that might achieve what you're looking for, if you're looking for hum drum. but i feel like this could really say something if maybe the sentence structure and some of the breaks were tidied up. like, just edit out some "the"s and semi colons. see what you can do with that. ex: "I borrow glances at the boy-next-desk." or "At nine-thirty pm Friday, I close my eyes,/ mourning the loss..." something like that. it just needs a little polishing.
things i love:
"staying up to smile at the mirror, just practicing." i mean, how many times have i done that in my life time??????? like, a bajillion!
and then you have "lust distracted only by Mr. Darcy" (was there a comma/semicolon missing in that stanza?) pssh yes.
"the timed beating of finger tips and slide of his feet." just...brilliant details.
love you caroline. fantastic piece, just needs a little polishing. much love,
emilea
You see, I can't comment on this because all I can think about is how I think it's about...well. Yeah. Hole in the elbow?
Or am I completely off-base here?
Let me know that, and I can comment, because my mind will be at rest.
answers
(kind of)
on my blog.
I really like the poem. But there are a few little things about it I don't like (which is weird, because usually I love everything about your poetry) as far as syntax goes and just...yeah. I'll list the important ones:
*the last two lines of the first stanza don't really work, I guess is the best way to put it. I don't like the interruption with "lucid dreams of might-have-beens". I'd like it better if that was somewhere else, in a different stanza or before "the memory..."
*I don't know if this is a typo, but put a 'the' in front of "slide of his feet" It just sounds better to me that way.
*the second line of the last stanza sounds a bit muddled when I read it. I like what it says, I think, but I can't be sure because it's kind of confusing, the way it's worded.
Other than all those things, I love it. Here's why:
*"boy-next-desk" Amazing. Simply genius (if that isn't one of the biggest oxymorons you've ever heard)
*"the loss of losing sleep" Almost like a double negative, but not...you know what I mean?
*the break between the first and second stanza. It creates two different sentences, which I love.
*the last three lines of the second stanza are just perfect, because they're so relatable, but not overdone, and definitely have your voice. Also, the "staying up to smile at the mirror, just practicing" for the same reasons. Who hasn't done that?
Love it, would love it more (not only because of the first things I listed but because I'm still rather confused about it all)
Heather
Oh yea, and I also agree with emilea about cleaning it up a bit. It becomes a tiny bit longwinded and hard to read.
I like the inclusion of the time, and how this poem is, in a way, eight minutes long but somehow so much longer than that.
All of us have done this. That's why this poem is great. (Well, your excellent writing skills contributed as well. But, for me, the subject matter is the strongest part on this one.)
Loved: "mourn the loss of losing sleep"
And, "in remembrance of distraction/ I try a million ways to trick myself back into it:" This poem...it sees things. I feel like you're inside my head. Which is weird. But excellent.
I also enjoy the break after the first stanza. Like Heather said, it manages to create two sentences inside of one. I'm just not really feeling the word "weep." I feel like...it's a little melodramatic for the simplicity of what you wrote.
I like the Pride and Prejudice/Mr. Darcy connection.
Also, you use a lot of dashes. While I enjoy dashes, I don't think of all of them are necessary. Use them sparingly.
I love you dearly, Caroline. There are no words for apology at my tardiness. I could argue that my life is so full now, but in reality I just need to buck up and adjust to the blogging world.
But, just in case it helps slightly: Sorry.
Post a Comment