Friday, July 11, 2008

prose piece thing whatever

Okay, guys. This is just an...opening scene of something. I'm not sure what. It's just prose of some sort, and I like it.

It was inspired by the music we listened to in Julia's class. (man I miss prompts):

"What are you making me listen to?" I ask, pulling on the cord of his iPod headphones and dragging it over the bed.

"What do you mean? This is spectacular stuff right here."

I shake my head. The screen says it's some a cappella group. Somehow, I'm not understanding where he gets off in saying this is spectacular. "Chris, this isn't even music. This is a bunch of guys saying 'do' over and over again on different notes."

It's his turn to shake his head. "This is music. These guys that are saying, as you put it, 'do' over and over again? They are amazing artists. You have to appreciate their work and talent. It's got to be hard to--"

"No. I can't. Change the song or I'm leaving. I'll go downstairs and play with your little brother," I warn. He acquiesces, afraid that I'd actually go downstairs and play with his little brother, something I'd never do. His four-year-old brother always seems to have something sticky on his hands and snot running out of his nose. I don't like children. And I know that most people would say "But you were a child just a few years ago" or "Why? You're a child yourself" but I don't care. I can't handle little kids. They're whiny and loud. Sticky, too.

The new song isn't much better. It's Dolly Parton. I mean, I love Dolly as much as any other American, but her music...not so much. It's ridiculous. I tell him this just as Dolly starts belting about some girl's clothes and how they could stop traffic.

Chris turns to me, mouth falling open. He's always over gesticulating, just like a cartoon character. "You can't be serious. I understand about the other song, some people don't like a cappella groups, but Dolly? She's a classy lady."

"...Who need to wear less makeup and find a new profession. Change it."

Once again, he does. This is our routine. He plays any one of his 2301 songs, picking out specific ones that he thinks I might like. I usually don't. He's made a playlist for me, but so far I've hated--okay, disliked--everything. Or at least decided that cows shouldn't be allowed to record songs when they're in pain.

Don't get me wrong, I love music. I'm way into the Killers and a few other bands, but not the stuff that he usually listens to. Chris has always liked obscure bands and crazy music. He actually has a whole collection of different tribal songs from around the world--about twenty or thirty. And then he has the 'Sounds of Silence' CD that is entirely made up of crickets chirping, refrigerators humming, and water dripping. He loves that album; I can't explain why.

He's never looking for music, but he's always finding it. At least once a week he comes straight to me when he gets to school with a grin on his face. "I found something new," he'll say, holding out one of his 7 CD cases or his iPod, sometimes even an old cassette tape he's pilfered from his fathers basement closet. All he has to play those on is a terrible radio with crackly speakers, but he says this gives the song even more charm.

Right now, all I'm hearing is the click, click, click of him scrolling through the thousands of songs. It's kind of musical in itself. Finding music in everything that isn't music is a little habit I picked up from Chris a couple years back when we were sitting on his roof listening to traffic. It doesn't mean it's always good music, but it's rhythmic nonetheless.

He's stopped clicking but I don't hear anything. "What--?"

"Just wait, it's a slow start," he says.

Gradually, like waiting for a new year, I hear something start up in the background. It's not even an instrument, from what I can tell, just something synthesized, electric. It makes a great sound, though, a kind of whooshing noise. As it builds, a guy's voice kicks in. He repeats the same lines over and over, with a few variations each time.

“Hey, I kind of maybe like this one,” I say.

His eyes widen. He's making cartoon faces again. "Seriously?" he asks. "Like, seriously seriously?"

"Only kind of," I say, not wanting to give him the satisfaction.

He jumps up and starts dancing on his bed. He's screaming and the ear bud falls out of his ear.

"Chris. Chris! You can't stop jumping now, you're going to knock me off," I say, grabbing hold of the comforter.

"This is the most exciting thing to happen all year. No lie. Really exciting."

He goes to the dry-erase board hanging on the wall and writes down the song title. He's only got four up there already, and then two bands. He calls it the Lane List, a list of all the songs I've liked that he's put on my playlist, and the bands that he's made me CDs of, on which I've loved or liked almost every song.

"It is not the most exciting thing to happen all year."

"Yes. It is," he says, nodding vigorously, his head almost looks like it's going to fall off. "This could alter the entire playlist." His tone is serious, low.

Okay, so now I'm curious.


Ready.
Set.
Workshop!

Heather

10 comments:

Caroline said...

ack, sorry I've been to slack to read this. Really sorry. Because I like it so much.

But first,
the bad.

My only complaint, really, is that it's obvious that she doesn't think what Chris listens to is music. Very obvious. Her every other sentence involves his musical choices not being good or not being music at all. That whole arc is important, but should probably be dialed back a little bit, especially since she later mentions finding music in the clicking of his iPod.

And spell-check.
But that's all I didn't like, other than maybe a few lines that bugged me:

"he says, nodding vigorously, his head almost looks like it's going to fall off."
- good, just sentence break between vigorously and his.

"Somehow, I'm not understanding where he gets off in saying this is spectacular"
-apparent by the 'what are you making me listen to' and the shaking of the head.

"gesticulating"
-'frond' comes to mind, but no problem, actually. it's very fun to say. But when I read it the first time I skipped the sentence about his over-gesticulating and I loved the line "he's making cartoon faces again". That's the kind of line that I really really love when it hasn't been previously mentioned. It seems more intimate- like it's being said naturally, not for the benefit of the reader.


Things that I love:
Chris. Everything about him is lovely. I must bring up what I'm sure you're expecting ("damn, this sounds a lot like Just Listen," give or take the profanity) but other than the music thing, Chris is so not-Owen that I don't care about that. His character has deep things going on, I'm sure, but just from this look at him he exudes a lighthearted feeling. With the cartoon faces/etc, he just seems like... a kid? Which is funny, because your character hates kids.

Speaking of which, that rant was awesome. JAM HANDS!

Speaking of which again, and having just quoted Gilmore Girls, is she by any chance named Lane on purpose? Because of the music thing?

I also love the relationship between Chris and Lane. Especially sitting on the roof and listening to traffic. They don't strike me as being flirty at all, which is interesting. I mean, I'm sure they'll end up together and all that, but they don't strike me as flirty. The friendship-love is clear, though. Heart the 'Lane list'.

The dialogue is excellent. Spectacular. Just the correct blend of being realistic and being actually worth reading.

My favorite lines:
"You can't be serious. I understand about the other song, some people don't like a cappella groups, but Dolly? She's a classy lady." "...Who need to wear less makeup and find a new profession. Chane it."
-the classy lady thing is brilliant.

Or at least decided that cows shouldn't be allowed to record songs when they're in pain.
-that's hilarious.

like waiting for a new year
-gorgeous

"This could alter the entire playlist."
-Awesome line, like the lead-up, too. End scene here.

Overall?
Maybe my favorite prose thing that I've read from you. Loveloveloveit


This comment is veddy veddy long, but it is a workshop, so whatever.

Heather said...

ah, I'm glad you got the irony in the fact that he's a little kid. It wasn't intentional to begin with, or anything, but then I realized that I think I may do something with that and that's where the expansion of the kid-rant came about. So it became intentional. Sort of.

Also, I'm glad this is a veddy long comment because it helps. And makes me smile.

And I typed this veddy veddy fast, and on blogger (as opposed to copy/paste from Word) because I couldn't find my flash drive but I had a hard copy. That's the reason for the desperate need of spell-check.

Danke!
Heather

Heather said...

As for the spellcheck thing, I remember now. I did spellcheck. You'll have to tell me what needs it, because I don't feel like reading through it right now, and nothing is spelled wrong.

emilea said...

i agree with a lot that caroline has said. such as spell check. major spell check. Chane it? please tell me you mean change it. just go through it. if necessary, read it backwards and you'll find the words that are missing a letter or two. and oat the beginning of one of the dialogue things you forgot quotation symbols.

"yeah well you're just a mess you do all this big talkin, so now let's see you walk it." okay. done with my paramore rants.

there are one or two things i disagree with for caroline: gesticulating - um, what?

like a new year - just a little too much. it's a great line, i just don't feel like it belongs there.

your characters has very sophisticated vocab in some places (acquiesed anyone?_ but other times, not so much. like "I'm way into the killers" etc.

love:

the mood/tone/yes! it's really well done. you introduce the characters and the relationship in a very realistic way. and yes,it's very just listen-ish, but the small details (like casettes from his dad's basement) that make it original. i love the white board with the "lane list" big big fan of that. because that seems very ver chris.

i'm hesitant to say that they end up together. i would almost rather they be good friends. and maybe some events could make them "fall in love" or whatever, but on the whole, the way you've introduced the characters, there are no sparks. at least not on her end, and it's not very evident on his. he is very childlike, and so it just doesn't seem to fit. now at least. it might later, but right now they're friends. just one question:

where's conflict?

other than that very very lovely. and once CAROLINE adds me as a contributor my very ong and in need of workshop short story will be on here. exciting, i know. great job!

emilea

Heather said...

Thanks so much for the workshop, emilea.

I love that you brought up the no conflict issue, because at first, this was going to be the beginning, but then I kept writing and didn't have a conflict, so really it's just a scene in a short story I just developed as I was going to bed last night. Which was at about 12:30, and that's why I need a moleskin, so I can write these things down. But it's all good because I remember my ideas.

I'll definitely get working on this scene and see what I can do about the rest of it.

Caroline said...

Emilea- I sent you an invite!!!! You haven't responded to it!!!!

(yeah, yeah you're asking for it
with every breath that you breath in
just breath it in...)

AK Faison said...

One detail that really bugged me...
2301 songs is a really unrealistically small number if Chris is such a big music fan.

I love that I knew this was you before I saw your name on it. Your voice as a writer is really distinct, and I like that.

I also love the little details like the 'Sounds of Silence' CD and such.

More when I'm not so tired. Love you.
-Anna

AK Faison said...

Does anybody know what that a capella group was called? I really liked them...

AK Faison said...

"He's always over gesticulating, just like a cartoon character."

The whole mouth falling open thing is so overused. You presented it very well.

Heather said...

I was trying to figure out for days after gov school what the group was called but the magic of the internet failed me. Seriously failed. Because I wanted them to have a name.